Something Called “Volcano Monitoring”

I don't see any volcano, just a big lake.

Crater Lake: It's just a mountaintop lake. I don't see any volcano.

The following is satire.

Bobby Jindal, the new “rising star” of the Republican Party captivated America with his riveting storybook tale of wasteful spending and repentant Conservatives. His sing-song delivery made for one of the best speeches since Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. He will long be remembered as the guy who put into quotes very ordinary and “reasonable” ideas, in a naive attempt at fabricating outrage over nonexistent issues.

I am a bleeding-heart liberal. But even I could find better examples of wasteful government spending in the stimulus package than Mr. Jindal. Jindal chose to take very ordinary, indeed NECESSARY spending, and highlight it in order infuriate anyone lacking an 8th grade education.

Jindal: “While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $300 million to buy new cars for the government, $8 billion for high-speed rail projects, such as a ‘magnetic levitation’ line from Las Vegas to Disneyland, and $140 million for something called ‘volcano monitoring.’  Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, DC.”

Others have debunked the false claim of the Disneyland to Vegas train (though doesn’t it sound fun! It really would be a small world after all). The fleet vehicles are a fairly ordinary expenditure. Then there’s the volcanoes…

Something Called “Volcano Monitoring

Indeed, Jindal the whistleblower caught the Feds red-handed wasting money on something called “Volcano Monitoring.” Further investigation has determined that this “science” consists of “monitoring volcanoes.” As if there were any volcanoes in the United States! We haven’t had volcanoes since there were dinosaurs- if you believe in them!

Apparently, the United States secretly created the “USGS”, a covert agency that seeks to instill fear of the so called “Earth.” This organization is responsible for disseminating a propaganda agenda they call “plate tectonics.”

Here, they blatantly copy Homeland Security’s highly informative terror alert levels:


The agency has spread fear-speech such as this as part of their liberal agenda:

“The United States and its territories contain 169 geologically active volcanoes, of which 54 volcanoes are a very high or high threat to public safety”

They also claim that

“Since 1980, volcanic activity has killed more than 29,000 people worldwide.” -but do you know anyone who has ever fallen into a volcano? I think not.


–Notice the liberal spending VOLCANO in WASHINGTON D.C.!

The USGS also reports on all of the following, so called hazards:

Earthquakes, Floods, Hurricanes, Landslides, Tsunamis, and Wildfires

Can you believe it? Tsunamis! Our tax dollars are being used to fund yuppies eating raw fish!

They even put out phony up-to-date maps for volcanoes and earthquakes, to justify their so called “monitoring,” such as this map of California and Nevada that’s constantly updated.


It’s time for this outrage to end. Americans don’t need big government getting between them and floods, tsunamis, or volcanoes. Private industry could much more efficiently manage the monitoring of volcanoes, or whatever else. It’s time we return geology to the people, along with their tax dollars. It was good enough for Rome, it should be good enough for America!


2 Responses

  1. Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, which has more than 40 active volcanos, favors abstinence education for volcanoes. “We need to, also, make these volcanoes understand that they can’t just erupt whenever they, you know, and also, without the great support system of the American people,” Palin said yesterday when she unexpectedly appeared at the taping of a local news weather segment. (OK, I’m having too much fun with this volcano thing, time to move on…)

  2. Oh, yes! Who cares about Volcanoes? They’re only good for sacrificing Virgins, or for blowing out tires in action movies centered around Volcanoes.

    As for Bobby Jindal, I really do hope that he is the “rising star” of the GOP. I would LOVE to see him go toe-to-toe with Pres. Obama during a debate! He’s got the ethnic charm of a minority, but he has the NASCAR charm and Bush-esque accent of real Americans: the type of Americans who wave Confederate flags and don’t understand why the sight of a noose is so offensive. Jindal is a shoe in!

    On a more serious note, my Uncle works for the USGS. You might be interested in talking to him, or having him speak to your class about geology or water gauges. He’s a great story-teller!

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